Tag Archives: marriage

5 Ways to Stop an Argument Before it Starts

It was our honeymoon, and we weren’t speaking.

My mouth a firm line, I avoided all eye contact with my new husband. I tried staring at my plate but Alan’s shiny new ring kept catching my eye, taunting me. The ring represented everything I was trying to forget – Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:7 ESV)

After a few dreamy days at Walt Disney World, Alan and I had driven to the beach. And when you are at the beach and it’s time to eat, you want to eat seafood, of course.

Unless, you are me. Then you hate seafood.

So in an effort to find a restaurant agreeable to both of us, Alan and I used the following plan:

1. Drive to awesome sounding seafood place with “captain” or “shipwrecked” in the name.
2. I’d jump out and skim menu for a tasty chicken dish
3. Return to the car disappointed
4. Repeat

After doing this twenty-eleven times or so, Alan and I both got hungry. Really hungry.

To make a long story short, snippy words flew, we pulled into the local Red Lobster (yes, I know we could have eaten there at home) and found ourselves sitting across from each other angry – and hungry. We like to call that “hangry.”

After a few cheesy garlic biscuits, we were ready to talk. Some would be disheartened at a lover’s quarrel on their honeymoon. Alan and I decided we learned a valuable lesson – do not let the other one get hungry.

Trigger Factors
Here’s the thing. All of us – married or not – have what I like to call trigger factors. Trigger factors are those things that really annoy us. Some examples of trigger factors are clutter, too many noises at the same time (like all three children trying to talk to me over the sound of the TV) and heat. My mother’s pre-wedding advice to Alan? “Whatever you do, don’t let her vacuum without a ponytail!”

Okay, so those were really just mine. But here are some others:
-lack of sleep
-bad smells
-being interrupted
-heat
-hunger

You get the idea. There are many more. If you trigger one of these factors in your spouse, you may soon find yourself in quite a battle. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Let me offer some advice.

5 ways to stop an argument before it starts

1. Discover your spouse’s trigger factors (and make sure they know yours)
If you’ve been married for a while, you may already know these. But it never hurts to ask. Perhaps you’re aware of some, but may be surprised about others. Sometimes naming them helps both of you to be alert and recognize when either of you have been triggered.

2. Stop and look both ways
Next time your significant other explodes and you are scratching your head wondering why, pause and look for one of those trigger factors. One time Alan was working on the computer and I asked him a question. His response was clipped and snippy. I paused a second, put a hand on his back and asked, “Are you hungry?”

“YES!” was his quick reply. You better believe I hopped down to the kitchen and brought him a pack of crackers in a hurry. The same has happened when I’ve walked into the house when it needed cleaning. It made me irritable. Alan knew this and was great about straightening up when he saw my eyes cross and begin to spin.

3. Show grace
Does knowing trigger factors excuse bad behavior? No. It doesn’t. You still need to say I’m sorry for using a hateful tone of voice. But it does help to explain why your spouse is so upset. When you realize your honey’s irritability button has been triggered, show grace. Know it just as easily could have been you who fell into the grumpy pit.

If you are slow to anger and quick to understand, you may stop a full fight before it ever happens.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:9 NIV

4. Plan ahead
Some things you cannot help, but take control of the ones you can. If you know the smell of broccoli sends your loved one over the edge, then don’t cook it! Do what you can to prevent setting off a trigger factor. This applies to you, also.

If you know heat is your trigger factor, put your hair in a ponytail before you vacuum and turn on a ceiling fan or two. If you truly love your spouse (let’s hope you do or we have bigger issues here), then you want to make them happy. Do what you can to create a pleasing atmosphere.

If your spouse has lots of trigger factors, it may feel like you are constantly walking through a minefield. Take time to sit down with them when you aren’t in the middle of an argument and discuss some of these.

But whatever you do, don’t throw live grenades into your marriage or you will be guaranteed some casualties.

5. Forgive
In a loving, Christ-like commitment of two people, there will still be arguments. Toes will be stepped on. Feet will be inserted into mouths. You and your spouse will both have your trigger factors set off and will both fly off the handle from time to time.

Listen to me. This. Is. Normal.

It happens. Don’t throw in the towel. Don’t call a divorce lawyer. Don’t buy a voodoo doll and stick needles in your lover’s eyes.

The best thing you can learn to do for a long happy marriage is learn to forgive. Simple to say, sometimes it’s not so simple to do.

But forgive them anyway.

When you are in the heat of the moment, decide it then. Decide to forgive them before they say I’m sorry. Forgiveness will deflate a fight in a hurry.

When I am the angriest, I stop and ask myself, “Do I expect God to forgive me?” Tomorrow when I screw up, do I honestly want God to forgive me of my sins? And I realize I, too, must forgive.

Disagreements are normal in a marriage of two imperfect people. Hopefully, we can learn from them. Pay attention and take note of the things that upset your spouse. Then work to stop arguments before they happen.

Because, honestly, your spouse isn’t just your life partner or your lover, your spouse is your best friend.

And friends don’t let friends get hangry.

*Image Credits

Carol

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5 Ways to Keep the Home Fires Burning

Sometimes marriage can become as stale as the box of Cheerios your ten-year-old left open on the pantry shelf. What once burned hot and bright may now be a cold, black dirty log in your fireplace.

Do you drool over those married couples that look as if they share a secret no one else knows? The secret is they know how to be intentional in their marriage. A good marriage takes work. A great marriage is like wallpapering your two-story den – it seems impossible. But, alas, it is not..

Join me at 5 Minutes for Faith for 5 easy tips to heat things up in your marriage. Click HERE.

Carol

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5-Minute Marriage Boosters

Let’s get real honest. Marriage is hard work. Theme music does not play when your husband walks in the door from work, and a photomontage of all your good times doesn’t roll as he saunters towards you in the kitchen. That’s the stuff of movies.

He probably walks in and says, “The trash stinks. What’s for dinner?” Don’t despair. There is hope. You can enhance your marriage in as little as five minutes. (I’m starting to sound like an infomercial now.)

I’m sure you can think of more, but here are five 5-minute marriage boosters to get you going.

1. Text message
In our fast-paced technological society, there’s no excuse for not sending a quick text during the day. Send a short text of encouragement to your spouse during the day, or maybe just say, “Thinking of u.” The message may be short in words but is big in meaning. Just a few pecks of the keyboard can let your spouse know they are important and you think of them while you are apart. Don’t have texting? Try a sharpie and a sticky note pad.

2. Ask like you mean it.
“Did you have a good day?” It’s a question we often toss out without waiting for the answer. Kind of like throwing a quick “How’ru doin’?” as you walk past an acquaintance in the store but not pausing for a response. If you really want to make your sweetheart know that you care, sit down in front of them, look into their eyes and ask deliberately, “Did you have a good day?” Then pause for their answer.

The information exchange between husband and wife is more necessary than you think. When talking to a friend struggling in her marriage, she shared, “He doesn’t tell me anything. I want to know what he did all day and how he feels about it.” As you are listening to your significant other share, thank God they are sharing with you.

3. Back/foot rub
After a long day at the office or a never-ending day at home with the kids, a back or foot rub can help relieve stress. Offer to give your spouse’s choice of either. Five minutes of rubbing will have your partner melting in your arms. Hopefully, they’ll offer to give you one, too.

4. Tiny gesture
Each night before bed, I wash my face and brush my teeth. On the nights my husband gets to the bathroom first, he gets out a washcloth and places it by my sink. It’s a little gesture that lets me know not only that he cares but he pays attention to my routine, as well. Look for small ways you can show your spouse you care. Perhaps offer to bring them a snack and drink while you are watching your favorite television show. Maybe you can refill their water glass during dinner before they get up to do it themselves.

5. Random “I love you”
Never underestimate the heart melting power of a well-placed, “I love you.” While you may share it before hanging up the phone during the day, do you randomly say it face to face? Don’t just choose to say it when one of you is walking out the door. Pick a random moment. Stop your other half, look him or her in the eyes and utter those three magic words. Then you might want to seal it with a kiss.

 

Want your marriage to move from good to great? What are you waiting for? You’ve got five minutes. The clock is ticking!

Do you have some tips for couples to enhance their marriage in five minutes or less? I’d love to hear about them. Leave a comment if you want to share. Email readers, you can leave one, too. Just click HERE.

Carol

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The Car Ride I Fell in Love and Should God Use Jedi Mind Tricks?

I should have known when he showed up with Levi’s and roses he was a keeper – the Levi’s on his hips and the flowers in his hands. It was my birthday or close to it anyway, and he’d told me to dress nice.

I was in hose and a Sunday dress, so I was anxious when I saw him through the window approaching in jeans. It was only our second date; perhaps I’d overdressed. My heart raced and my cheeks flushed to match my dress. Fighting the urge to bolt back to my bedroom and change, I took a deep breath and waited for him to ring the bell.

I paused just a second not to seem over eager but not long enough to have him looking through the window and see me waiting there. With a deep breath, I opened the door to his steady gaze and a grin. And melted.

“Hi.” I smiled back not sure if my mouth was hanging open.

“Happy Birthday,” he said thrusting the roses my way.

We said a quick hello and good-bye to my parents and headed to his dad’s white Cavalier with the light blue interior. I beamed. When the smile you have inside cannot be contained, you beam. Alan fiddled with the radio before we left the driveway, scanning the stations until he found a song to his liking.

And then he sang. This six-foot-five, brown-eyed boy, who stole my heart with a glance and a grin, sang. His mellow voice had a soothing quality, and I leaned back in my seat to drink it in. In a few minutes, he punched a button to change the station again. He’d stop on a station, sing a few bars as if trying on a jacket, and then change it again.

He must have known the words to every song on every station. It didn’t matter if it was country, rock, easy listening or golden oldies. He sang. And for once, I was quiet – listening. I wished that ride would never end. But eventually, we landed at the restaurant. He jumped out of the car and appeared at my door. Opening it, he held out his hand.

“You ready?” He asked me.

I smiled in return, accepting it – accepting him. Hand in hand we walked, blue jeans and high heels, through the doors of the Steak and Ale and into our forever.

Happy 15th Wedding Anniversary, Alan! I knew on our second date you were a keeper. I love you now more than ever!

DOUBLE FEATURE!


There are many things in life I’m not sure about.

But one that I’m almost positive of is this. Respectfully speaking, God should take some cues from my two–year-old.

You see, she can ask for things in a way you can’t refuse. If God took cues from Grace, we’d have more missionaries than Starbucks. Adoption would be so popular, you wouldn’t leave your child out of sight more than seventeen seconds for fear someone would snatch them up to add to their own happy family. And the ushers at church would look more like bouncers because they’d need huge muscles to carry the overflowing offering plates.

Follow my (albeit crooked) reasoning…

I’m also posting at the Internet Cafe today. Click HERE to read the rest of my devotion.

Carol

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Recycle Your Marriage

“What are you going to do with that?” she reached her wrinkled hand across the generations between us and placed it on mine.

“Umm. Throw it away?” I said in more of a question than an answer.

“Oh, this would be great to make little ornaments.” My husband’s grandmother recycles everything. She saves butter tub lids, the little cotton in the tops of the medicine bottles, and the inner wrappers from the cheese cracker boxes. She comes from a time when you didn’t throw anything away.

Even with the focus on going green, we live in a disposable society. Paper napkins, cups, and plates make washing dishes a thing of the past. At the doctor’s office, you’ll be handed a throwaway gown, and the airline gives throwaway pillows.

Unfortunately, we’ve also bought into the idea of disposable marriages. When your husband leaves his wet towel on the floor or your wife never looks your way, the world tells us, toss ‘em. It’s the same disposable mentality we find on aisle 6 of the grocery store.

Care must be given to things meant to remain. We brush and floss our teeth each night hoping they will last a lifetime. We hand wash the china passed down from our great-grandmother to protect the gold from rubbing off the edges. Hours are spent bringing old muscle cars back to their original glory. Time and effort are necessary in restoring or maintaining something we plan to keep.

With the current push for Americans to recycle, the number of recyclers still hovers between 70-80% depending on the area of the nation. The divorce rate, however, lingers around 50%.

So why not recycle our marriages?

Webster’s definition for recycle is to pass again through a series of changes or treatments, to reuse, or bring back. If we want a lasting marriage (and we should), sometimes it’s necessary to pass our marriage through a series of changes to bring it back.

So what can you do to recycle your marriage? Here are a handful of ideas to get you started.

1. Discover your spouse’s love language and speak it.

Gary Chapman’s book 5 Love Languages is a great book to help you understand how to express love to your mate in the way they need it. Chapman’s five love languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Often we show our spouse love the way we want to be shown it, not the way they need to hear it. Find which love language your spouse speaks, and use it often.

2. Practice the 10-second kiss at least once a day.

You’d be surprised what a little lip-lock can do to jump-start a marriage. Make it a habit to kiss good-bye and hello each day. Then turn up the heat by prolonging your kiss at least ten seconds – the longer, the better. Even if it feels a bit awkward at first, hang in there. Before long, you’ll forget you were counting and get carried away in the moment. Trust me, some eyebrows will be rising, and they might just be your own!

3. Check in during the day.

With today’s advanced technology, there is no excuse for not communicating. Drop a quick “hope your day is going well.” Whether you text, email, or use the old fashioned telephone, contact your mate at some point while you’re apart. If you’re busy, just say so but follow with, “I was just thinking about/praying for/missing you.” A little effort goes a long way.

4. Apologize for old hurts.

If there are any unresolved issues, apologize for any hurt feelings that may have occurred as a result of you. Drop assumptions at the door and discuss the true issue. Remember, it’s important for all parties to feel like they are being heard. Use the rules of active listening, and repeat what you hear to make sure there isn’t a kink in the line of communication. Then share your feelings in a way that isn’t accusatory. Don’t forget to keep your voices low. Yelling only creates tension.

5. Pray for your spouse.
Praying for your mate is always a good idea, especially if your marriage is in dire need of repair. An amazing thing happens with prayer. When we pray for those who hurt us, our hearts soften, and we often realize where our own faults lie, as well. Prayer is free, it’s simple, and you can do it any time of the day.

If your marriage is cracked, beat-up, or you are just plain fed up, don’t be so quick to throw it out with the crumpled paper napkins. Marriages really aren’t meant to be disposable. With time, effort and a little TLC, you can recycle your marriage to last for years to come.

 

*Photo credit

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Carol

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